Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Scooter Squirrels & So Much For Me Being Mary J. Blige

I am so resort chic right now it sick. Facials, manicures, pedicures and massages made for a fantastic winter vacation. I have a new nose. Fat ugly obnoxious American tourists made for me look even more glamorous on the the beaches. I was the hottest thing at the resort and everyone knew it. Arrogant? Yea - sort of, but if you saw what I saw, then you'd probably agree. I was the only one with a 6 pack, the rest were sporing 8 packs (a 6 pack with 2 rolls).

My tanned skin fits me like a new pair of Prada shoes.

We went down with another couple (straight) and partied quite a bit. No clubbing, just enjoying the resort lifestyle of drinks and food. Petted a few monkeys, felt sorry for the poor Mexicans and their living conditions compaired tot he resorts where they work. There were tons of amusing people there however. Nost notible was Scooter Girl...a bald blob of a lady that zipped around on her electric cart the whole time. She rolled into the ocean a few times. I felt kind of sorry for her...she not only had to deal with being bald, but that she was extremely over weight. Couple of strikes against her but at least she left home and went on vacation. Bravo! I'm sure that if I was in her situation I would have ended my life a long time ago. Driven the scooter right into the ocean and let the stingrays take tiny bites of my the fat hanging off my knees. But I'm superficial and vain. Thank god she did not wear a thong.

There were way to many people wearing banana hammocks that shouldn't.

So in reality, the vacation went off without a hitch...except for the last night.

The 4 of us were embroiled in a conversation about gay equality at an a la carte restaurant. The wine and hors d'oeuvres prior to dinner, along with the 2 bottles of the red stuff that was scarfed back during our meal made us all a little tipsy. My partner however, was drunk.

When he gets drunk he gets very aggressive and passionate about what he is saying. His Italian background coupled with his high blood pressure and fucked up sense that everyone is after him makes for a dangerous person when his switch is turned on. He would not back down on what he was saying. His voice was raising, constantly throwing in the persons name to show them he had the upper hand. This is a tactic of his that get under my skin. I brought it up in therapy in the fall saying the he had this knack of saying one's name in the middle of sentence, with the correct attenuation that just boils my blood. When done correctly, it make the person feel belittled and subordinate.

The casual conversation had now turned into a full argument between our accompanying couple (my partners cousin & wife) and my partner. I was trying desperately to stay neutral. Trying to sway the conversation off the current topic. When I realized that it was out of control I gave my partner the look.

You know the look, that unspoken language that loves have. The look of it's time to go, I'm bored, come rescue me. He recognized my look and then stopped what he was saying and put his hand over my face and said "Don't give me that fucking LOOK; **insert name** "

I have never been so offended by my partners actions in out 12 years. It made me sick. There were squirrels running all over the place.

All 4 of us got up and left. The wait staff had already asked us to calm it down a bit. On the way back to our rooms, walking under the stars along perfect sidewalks through the plush resort property, my partner and his cousin continued the argument. My partner not letting his cousin get a word in. His wife and I waked ahead. I reached for a cigarette stashed in my pocket. (remember my partner does not know I smoke but his cousin does - he'd be feeding me cigarettes ever time my partner was not around, like a street urchin kid with no money) At this point I could have cared less if my partner knew that I was smoking. Fuck him. The wife and I were discussing my partners actions at the dinner table. She was offended. We had all been friends, attending may dinner parties and upscale restaurants around the city for years. If felt like it was coming to an end. She was in tears. I was panicking, I was furious and was unable to sort out my feeling and hatred towards my partner at that time. His cousin come running up to join us. "where is super?" I ask. ""He just waked off, left me alone. Said he was done with us all."

Great. Now I guess I have to find him somewhere on the huge resort. Maybe he will wander into the jungle where the monkeys will bite his fingers off. Maybe he'll just die and my misery will be over. Horrible thoughts but that is what I was thinking. It seemed like that would be my only escape.

The cousin and his wife were sympathizing with what I was about to go through, wondering how I've dealt with this over the years. I have not written about it much because I don't want to paint an ugly picture about the man that I love.

I eventually found him and we went for a walk to work out what just happened. I laid into him. Threw it all out on the table. Told him that I found him repulsive right now and that his actions tonight were embarrassing and childish. I told him he needed help, that everyone is not out to get him. He has to calm down. He's too high strung. I told him that he has hurt me terribly and that I will not accept that type of abuse again. He has to understand that different people had different opinions and that is what makes the world go around.

He said he did not "recognize" the "look" I gave him. That I have may "looks" and that I all too often throw them in his direction. I told him that that was bullshit because when he covered my face with his hand he acknowledged that I was trying to tell him to call it off but that he did not want to accept that.

He now knows that I'm not happy in the relationship....that I was comfortably numb over the last few months since therapy. He threatened me that if I'm not happy I should just leave. Another "woe is me" tactic of his. He has an exasperating way of making me feel terribly guilty all the time. His "it's all my fault" actually means it's mine. It's in his tone. His body language. I apparently don't understand him.

Now I don't know what to do. The event has stirred up may emotions in me and I need to process them all out.....

I NEED a squirrel right now. Maybe I'll find one next week when I hit Manhattan again.

Damn that Toby for putting the pic of Bravo Carson and I on his site. I walked into Starbucks today at College and Yonge to be greeted by the barista boy who has seen it. "I knew it was you!" he exclaimed...."I've been waiting for you to come in all week!"

lord. I have some explaining to do.