Sissy Will Save You Life

Today and tomorrow I am in my annual recurrent training. This is the annual two days of written exams on the emergency procedures of the different aircraft types in our fleet as well as simulated emergencies and evacuations in our cabin simulator. It moves to simulate flight conditions like take off, turbulence and crash landings. It gives me motion sickness and it's not equipped with logo laden barf bags. We have to do this to maintain our qualification certificates that allow us to work as air crew. Fail it and its back to 6 weeks of training at the academy like a newbie?Only your much older and you don?t quite fit in.

Today I wrote all the exams. Tomorrow I have to spend half the day in the room with the pilots trying to improve the communication between the cocks in the pit and the space waitresses in the back. Since they installed the bank vault door to the flight deck, our communication to flight has fizzed down to what they take in their coffee and when do they want to eat.

Apparently, they have no idea what we do in the back during an emergency and frankly, we know nothing about what they would be doing. In an emergency, I can expect the luggage in the back, who have been treating me like shit for the last 6 hours, to actually listen to what I say and rely on me for something more then a disapproving frown and a glass (not a can - we're bankrupt) of coke. After the announcement is made that we are all going to die, I'll casually stroll up the aisle and pat them on the head and tell them everything will be ok. I'll make my way to the back of the plane and lock myself in the bathroom to clean up my tear smudged mascara, put on some hair spray, grab my cell from my crew bag and pull and E.T. to say our planned "I love you" good bye forever conversation my partner. I'll straighten my hoop skirt and emerge looking fabulous with hair that would survive an Airport 71 landing. I will calmly tell you all how to save your asses and do that little demo that you've all paid big $$ for but never get to see. But this demo is the academy award winning demo. While we are doing all this, the boys up front will be pushing buttons and pulling on things while computers yell at them.

If we crash and they cocks make an announcement for us to get the hell out then I get that once in a life time chance to scream obscenities at the passengers and not get fired. FANTASTIC I say...and I'll look fabulous on the evening news with a little scrape on my left cheek and a tear in my uniform on my right arm. A hunky Farrell like passenger will immediately air after my interview commenting on how I saved his life. All this glory because of my ice mist, my calm & collected personality and a little waterproof mascara...oh..and my training.

Here are some of the things I get to yell out:

Bend over!
Grab your ankles!
Keep your head down!
Cum this way!
You! Go to the bottom...Pull people off!

I've practiced this with tricks my partner several times and I've successfully cleared my hotel room our bedroom in a matter of seconds. My instructors would be so proud of me.

By the way...if you are evacuating and freeze at the door in fear of jumping down the slide, I get to kick you in the knees or push you out. Why can't every arrival be like that?

I've got a potential shopping date in Frisco on Sunday (I'll bring my camera) but apparently I'm on my own in LA for coffee martinis...What's up with that?