Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are there yet?

I'm not one to bitch but really, if I smell the inside of another airplane I'm gonna puke.

Thank you to everyone that wished me a happy birthday. I had a great time in LA. I will reply to your e-mails and will post about it later, along with pictures, once my life gets diverted back to Toronto and I can hang up the green uniform.

I bid a schedule of reserve so that I could extend my vacation time from the airline this month. This means that for a select period of time, I'm at the beck and call of the airline. They can send me anywhere, anytime on short notice. Since last Friday to this Thursday I will have been home one night and visited San Francisco, Los Angles, Montreal, Calgary and now New York tomorrow (Wednesday) night. It's totally my fault and I'm an idot for bidding it, but once I get home, I'm jetting off to Cancun for a week vacation and I'm done for the month of November. No more flying until December.

I was supposed to be home tomorrow but the airline contacted me in-flight AGAIN today to send me to NYC tomorrow. I told crew scheduling that I've been away so long that if they gave me another flight I'd be forced to slit my wrists and wave them in the air. That blood bath would be better then the one I'm in for when I get home.

This did not go over very well so the bitch gave me the NYC layover. Look - I left home on Monday expecting a turn around flight as that is what they gave me when they called at 4:30 am. Instead it has turned into a 4 day paring and now I have run out of clothing. I'm doing my fu*king laundry in the hotel bathtub. I feel like a vagrant and I don't smell very good. My electric razor smells like dead skin. I've been away from home for so long that I feel like Cyber Kenny.

I just had dinner in the hotel bar in Calgary. Nothing like sitting with a bunch of white hick trailer park trash listening to "get busy" by shaun paul over the bar stereo and watching a Calgary flames game on the big screen. I'm not in Kansas anymore...

TorontoBoi and I had a nice lunch at the airport yesterday. He has really been no judgmental with me and the trouble my relationship is in. He knows my partner. He knows how I act so differently when he is around. He knows my squirrels personally.

I love my partner dearly. I'd die for him. No question. But at one moment I want to be free. I want to move out, live on my own. The next minute, I want my partner to be there. I want to hug, kiss and hold him and tell him that I love him. My god, I've called him at least 4 times a day since I've been gone. Yet when I'm home, I don't want to be around him. It's so fu*ked up and I really don't know what to think any more. One minute I'm happy with my relationship, then next I'm not.

I'm ashamed and humiliated by my previous extra curricular activities. I feel like a slimy 2 timing bastard and wonder if I were to loose this relationship if anyone would ever trust me again. Why would anyone want me? Everyone will judge me for what I've done. Now I'm just another gay statistic. But as TorontoBoy said, I can't dwell on this, I have to look at the reason I went looking for stimulation outside of our relationship.

I think that I have found this reason. I work too much. Our business together and the 17 staff are killing me, my partner and our 11 year relationship.

I feel like I live to work. I want to work to live. I want to give up the glamorous condo; the lake view; the houskeeper; the luxury car; the property in Cancun. I'd give it all up for some space. Some time for me. For my individuality. For some companionship. I feel alone. We are so automated in our routine at home when I'm not flying. Get up, work out, eat breakfast, go to the office, come home, make dinner, watch TV, have sex every 4 days. Where is the spice? It has been like this for the last 8 years and I've had enough.

I've forced him to go to couple therapy. He has done nothing the therapist suggests. I have invited him out with my friends but he hates them. I am trying to hook us up with other couples to do the dinner thing with but he is so introverted that I always have to guide the conversations ad babysit his feelings.

I just don't know.......I just don't know if I really want to go home or if I hoping that crew scheduling just keeps on adding to my my cycle so that I never go back. I just don't know.....

Now on a happier note.....

I have a few questions to which I would like answers to.

1. Why are there so many bloggers from Atlanta? What is up there? Are they giving out free high speed?

2. Is there an embargo on gay travel? I've operated at least 10 flights and only one of them had any lookers on it. The flight was from Montreal to Frisco.

3. Why do all the boys from Montreal have FANTASTIC jeans. I mean everyone!

4. Why do passengers INSIST on puking in the sink and not the toilet. Really, how the fu*k do they thing the chunks are going to get down that needle sized drain? And how do the people of Reno Nevada feel as the vomit that did make it through the drains freezes and falls off the aircraft into their tomato patch?

5. Who in their right mind would be an aircraft cleaner because they are the ones to empty the sink. I just lock the bathroom and let them deal with it on the ground.