It's All About Me

Have you ever had a night where it was all about you? Friday night started out at a restaurant on queen west when I met bastersnatch for après ashtung bongo drum yoga class cocktails. He ate. I drank Wolf Blass Cab-Sav. We chatted about TorontoBoy and the newfie incident. It was obvious that I was going to have to deal with the sister friction between them that night. We left the restaurant after a 2 hour dinner. His belly full of pizza and salad; my tongue, wine soaked. There was a huge line at Grapefruit so you know we wrangled our way to the front. The crowd was excellent, the music trashy – Cindy Lauper versus Madonna. It was fantastic. After a number of rye & cokes, I was trashy. I could hardly stand-up. Apparently I was a hot commodity in the bar that night as I was picked up non-stop. Here is what I remember:

FUTURE EX-HUSBAND #1
Edmonton Boy: 5’9” – 23 years old. Brown hair, tight thin build, blue eyes, funky messy hair and a pout to die for. He had such an innocent face with dazzling eyes. I noticed him when I was dancing and he obviously noticed me. I went to the bar to get a drink and he magically appeared beside me. The service is slow at this place, which worked in my favour. I comment on his watch, he commented on mine. I told him it was my birthday (November 1st) and it was a gift. We chatted a bit more and then I moved on my way after scarfing back another rye & coke. His eyes were on me the entire evening. I ended the evening by going up to him and putting my hands on his waist. Leaning in to his ear, my cheek against his, I whispered to him that he was incredibly sexy. I told him in explicit detail what I would do to him if it were not for my relationship. I think he appreciated my honesty. His erection was obvious.

FUTURE EX-HUSBAND #2
Porn Star - 6’ tall, 29 and had the most beautiful dimples which just emphasized his stunning smile. He had short brown hair and a body that was smooth like buttah.
TorontoBoi was with his English as a second language (ESL) friend who brought this Beautiful man in tow. He was wearing a cut off shirt with “Woodridge” written across his very defined chest. In my usual drunken dyslexic fashion, I read it as Woodbridge and commented on the fact that I have a thing for boys from there. He looked at me rather confused and then I realized my faux pas. Oh well, it worked out in my favour because, as I found out after the evening was done, that this man was seriously attracted to me. I thought I was bad when it comes to conversations with people I’m attracted to but this boy beat me hands down. He was so quite when we were chatting so I just wrote him off and moved on. Later I find out from EST that he was SERIOUSLY attracted to me and because of that he became very shy. I like shy. The shy ones are the dirtiest. I’ve been given his phone number.

FUTURE EX-HUSBAND #3
No. 65 – 5’10” (a bit taller then me) and was obviously a gym bunny. Arms, chest, butt, legs. The whole package. This man was my type. He came over to introduce himself to me as I was dancing with TornotBoi.
No.65: “Hey; How are you?”
Sissy: “Better if I was in you.”
No. 65: “Did you just say what I think you said?”
Sissy: “Absolutely.”
No.65: “I…um..I really….I’m speechless..I really don’t know how to reply to that”
Sissy: “You could start by telling me if I you are offended or intrigued”
No 65: “Defiantly intrigued…”
Sissy: “excellent. I’m working on a heavy time schedule right now so lets go…”
At this point TorontoBoi jumped in and got me out of a pretty sketchy situation. Thank gawd because I know I would have ended up in the bathroom with me on his back like a cat in heat. I got his number so I may call to go play in the litter box…when the old cat is out.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER #1
While sitting at the bar later on in the evening with Mr. Edmonton, the child molester sat beside me and actually stuck his finger between my lower back and my low rise Energie jeans. Pulling back my waistband to look down the crack of my round bubble but. I can only assume that he was checking if I was wearing any underwear. (not) I turn around and he says “now those are low riding jeans”. I replied “yea – ok dude you had your peep show so either pay up or leave me alone.” He left.

FUTURE CHILD MOLESTER #2
While Dancing with TorontoBoi this man of many hands decided to come up behind me and place his arms under min and grab my chest. Startled, I turn around and almost threw up on my Transit shoes at the vision of the clown from poltergeist.

DEPARTURE
Leaving the club Mr. Edmonton was waiting outside and chatting with me. A man approaches and asks me if I’m from Dundas (Ontario, it’s a town – not Dundas & what). After a little high school reunion, TorontoBoi, ESL, Future ex-Husband #2 and I head off to have a falafel. On our way I get stopped by some rather handsome men and asked if I’m going to this after hours club. I reply “no, I wish!! I have to be home by 3 or my partner is going to KILL me” It is at this point that I’m told it is actually 4:15 am. I ask them where it is and if they are going. I’m told that if I’m not going then they are not going because it would not be worth it. Sometimes I REALLY wish I was single.

I crawled in to bed at 5:30 am. I woke up at 10:00 am to my partner bitching about how late I was. All I wanted was my stomach pumped.
It was at this point that I remembered that I had to go to partner yoga Saturday evening with bastersnatch. Visions of the pea spitting possessed girl from the exorcist came to mind.