You Probably think This Song is About You - Don't You?

Sprite - I'm sorry we did not hook-up on Wednesday night. Excuses excuses, yadda yadda yadda..I'll be back in the NYC airspace soon...I just have a vacation next week in Cancun to get through first.

Now, This post may be long and you'd better read it and forget it. I may delete it because if my BF gets wind of the latest NYC layover I'll be cut up into squirrel feed and sent south of the border faster then an Albertan mad cow.

The flight to Tampa was hilarious. Just look at my favorite passenger. She was a gawd damn star in her day....drinking her vino from the bottle. I want to be that ghetto-fab when I grow up.

MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD
11:30 pm - Wednesday Feb 4 - Barracuda

You all know it. Bravo's hot, like him or not. I'm totally doing his PR right now, but doing anything else would land me in some serious hot water. I'd rather he bite me in the ass then the squirrels though.

I waited patiently at the bar sipping on my G&T for Bravo to show. My stair down of the ripped bartender was rudely interrupted by some sketched out slicked back hair tina angel who was digging my stink. "You smell great" was his opening remark, followed by the usual what do you, do where are you from with a little usual American Canadian bashing drawl thrown in on the side. I was beginning to wonder if this was an indication of how the night might unfold. The way Ms tina was strategically placing her hand on my body during the perfectly timed points in the conversation was making me wish I was wearing bug repellant and not Boss Sport.

ENTER BRAVO & W
Larger then life and strikingly handsome, Mr. Bravo instantly has the attention of the bar and me. Within minutes there was a flurry of conversations happening and the laughter was abundant. I knew instantly that the orange alert in Manhattan was going to be called because our planned night of terrorizing the boys was in full effect.

Within minutes of Bravos entrance, Ms Tina instantly moved her tentacles over to him and was totally interrupting us. Bravo' problem now, not mine.

The barracuda had attracted a particular NBC style queen who worked the bar in full glory. It was only minutes before he was over talking with us. Who knew that spilling 3 drinks on a B list celebrity would get you his number? Bravo did. By the time we had left W and I were crying a river of rejection while Bravo & the queer eye were programming their cell phones. Why do I look like SHIT in every photo?

AND THEIR LIKE "IT'S BETTER THEN YOURS. DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THEN YOURS"
1:00 am - Thursday Feb 5 - Shag

W ditched Bravo and I whining about some sort of 9-5 job or whatever. Bravo and I skipped up the street to Shag where we got really sketchy, trashy and bootylicious.

Trousers were dropped and milkshakes exposed. There are pictures, but they are locked in a vault. The hedge trimming practices were discussed and compared between Madame Asiana and me. According to her I'm too British. I'm only worried that I may come across my snatch shot as someone's gay.com profile; which would be sick.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT... THE THING THAT MAKES ME, WHAT THE GUYS GO CRAZY FOR
2:15 am - Thursday Feb 5 - Hell

Scarfing back some Gin Minis on the street, Bravo and I were warming ourselves up in preparation for our entrance to Hell.

Chillin' was the beat at this place. Bravo and I discussed many things over cocktails that are for my ears only. He's fantastic.

THEY LOSE THEIR MINDS, THE WAY I WIND, I THINK IT'S TIME
3:00 am - Thursday Feb 5 - COCK

Thank god for civility in Manhattan. A Bar where you can smoke. Seriously, my balls had regressed back to their childhood state from being outside smoking so much...oh yea - STAY BEHIND THE SMOKING LINE when outside a club. Whatever.

The B and I were dancing to tome alternative 80's crap when the Brit made his presence known. On the attack for some hard action he was relentless in his pursuit of B & I. He didn't even flinch when I inadvertently butted my cigarette out on his forearm. I'm like "Hey Lady - you just butted my cigarette out with your arm!"

At 4:00 am we headed back to Queens after discussing Flags at the UN building.

I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I'D HAVE TO CHARGE
11:00 am - Thursday Feb 5 - My hotel room

The never ending drama of US society called Jerry Springer entertained us as we woke up.

SEPARATE BEDS you Mo Fo's, though I could get charged with molestation if I had not controlled my squirrels.

I'm not a star Phu*ker.

Yet.

WARM IT UP, (La-La-La-La-la) THE BOYS ARE WAITING.
1:00 pm - Thursday Feb 5 - My hotel room (still)

The queer eye calls. Wants a date. Not next week though, he's at the Grammy's. I'm speechless. I did not ever get a number last night. Bravo stole my thunder ;)

A terrible walk through queens left us running back to the hotel lobby for breakfast lunch.

JUST GET THE PERFECT BLEND, PLUS WHAT YOU HAVE WITHIN
3:00 pm - Thursday Feb 5 - The hallway outside my room.

Kisses good-bye and promises on another orange Alert at the end of the month when I invade the LGA skies once more. Next time, it's a Thursday night. That reeks of trouble.

Bravo's a good guy. We had a great time. So much dissin' goin on right now that I'm sure I'll get dragged into it. But I don't want to so why not keep it to yourselves ok?

I'll hook up and meet anyone if I'm jettin' to your towns. Just let me know.

YOU'RE SO VAIN, YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU
6:00 pm - Thursday Feb 5 - LGA, on the tarmac.

"we are currently number 28 for departure......."

The Things I SHOULD Write About...

These are the things I could write about today:

1. It's raining outside and it really feels like spring.
   
2. The crazy blind man with turret syndrome at the corner of Yonge & Carlton that keeps screaming FUUUUUUUCCCCCK is beginning to annoy me. I hear him on the 13th floor. His name is Ben and he gets upset if anyone touches him.
   
3. I think the last guy who sang on American Idol last night (George Huff) looks like Erkle.
   
4. http://www.ryanseacrest.com Ryan Seacrest it H-O-T
   
5. There is a high school friends reunion this Friday and I can't go cuz I gotta fly.
   
6. OB is not in London this week (he's off to the motherland of South Africa) so I'm on my own in London on a Saturday night. Somebody help me ...puuuulllleeeesssseeee.
   
7. I'm getting sick of eating Canadian Back Bacon for breakfast. The ZONE is still difficult.
   
8. I'm now at 162 lbs with a 31" waist. Up from 158 lbs and down from a 32" waist 1 year ago.
   
9. It burns when I pee. I think it's the propecia...they say it's a side effect. Only on day 8 so we'll see.
   
10. I got soap in my dick head when I showered this morning. Maybe that's why it burns.
    
11. I have to go back to the dentist next week (again) to get an old filling removed. My mouth is a money pit.
    
12. my hands are dry.
    
13. I'm meeting with Watercolour Boy for lunch on Friday to give him his crisps.
    
14. I'm sick of the roll up to win at Tim Hortons.
    
15. Tim Hortons boy has finally taken off his hair net and he does not look half bad.
    

BUT.... instead I'll talk about.....

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ADULT CONTENT WARNING - DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE SENSITIVE EYES

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The butt drilling, cock throbbing, sweat dripping, hair pulling, hip locking, back breaking sex last night with my partner. God therapy helps. I recommend it to EVERYONE. I was quite vocal last night with the dirty talk.

It started in the grocery store - Loblaws on Queens Quay. "Oh you like looking at my ass when I bend over to put stuff in the cart don't you?".....I throw down a can of soup in the aisle....."pick that up"....."Ohhhh...look at the price...69..us later.."

Then it was home to dinner. "I'm gonna make you sweat tonight....love."

The neighbors might have heard us saying things like: "YEA BABY, TAKE IT ...TAKE IT ALL"....Fuck this and fuck that...."YOU WANT MY HARD COCK IN YOU DON'T YOU - TAKE IT NOW".... bitch slap here and a bitch slap there...."TIGHT AND WARM ...THAT'S RIGHT"....."YEAAAAAA"..."PULL MY FUCKING HAIR"..push, thrust, push, thrust....feel the pressure...."IT'S SO FUCKING HOT"..."YOU ARE MAKING ME SO HOT"..."OH YEAAAA"

I've NEVER had sex like that before. There was pool of sweat gathered on my lower back. It was FANNNNNtastic. After we had spent ourselves, we rolled off each other and giggled. Who knew after 13 years that talking to my partner with a trucker mouth would make it enjoyable. We've never had sex this way before and for absolutely no rhyme or reason it happened last night. We were always the loving, caring sweet talking, tender, wispering I love you in each other's ears type. I had no idea I could be so ...how do you say...butch?

Oh...I think I just broke a nail typing all that.

Swollowing Tampon Ebola Bed Bugs

what to I write about today?

The fact that no one has offered to meet me in NYC tomorrow night. Bitches. Guess I'll just head down to Chelsea and visit my fart smelling friend from the last time.

I could write about the muscle aching, blue ball, chair breaking sex last I had night.

I could write about the fact that ever since super (my partner) and I finished couple therapy with Dr. Melfi, that he is totally into swallowing. I recommend therapy to anyone. Obviously it works.

I could write about my tampon turn tomorrow before the New York layover and how I'd rather peal back my nails instead of working the retirement home rocket to Tampa. Nothing like doing a depends service.

I could write about the fact that yesterday at my office job, one of our databases became corrupted and I cannot restore it off our our backup tapes because the backup system malfunctioned. I already tried to slit my wrists over this but the knife was too dull.

I could write about the level of stress I'm feeling at the office job right now. I could tell you that none of my flight attendant friends understand my stresses. I have to relate my office stress to airline stress for them to get it. Example: The corrupted database thing is just like working the silver bird from London when all of a sudden the A-340 Video system fails. You got 250 angry brits all up your hoop skirt wanting free flights and there is squat that you can do. Oh yea - I lost your luggage too.

I could write about how TorontoBoy broke up with his imaginary boyfriend. For weeks we have been telling him that the ESL boy "walks like a boyfriend, talks like a boyfriend, snuggles like a boyfriend - BUT HE'S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND" TorontoBoi is in mourning, he lost the imaginary love of his life and none of us really know what to tell him. The poor thing.

I could write about the fact that I think our hotel in London has bed bugs. I gots me little red dots on my torso.

I could write about the fact that I'm terrified of kids on the plane with chicken pox. Never had it and every time I see a god damn urchin on the plane with it I run to the bio-hazard kit. (left over from the Ebola virus scare a few years ago.)

OR

I could ask the question.....

Does security go through security at the airport?