Saturday, September 06, 2003


So my first ever boyfriend - the first guy I kissed, etc...etc....etc supposedly went into the porn industry according to friends. I'm so not up-to-date on the gay porn (bad fag… I know…. know…..) however today I cam a cross a picture of him. Sexy as bloody hell. I'm going to find more and post.

yummy - still. he's in London and I know that one day I might bump into him on a layover.


On the way into the downtown core today, I noticed a spider on my car windshield. As we were speeding along the Gardiner expressway I could not help but watch this little spider cling on to what he knew...the windshield. The wind from the speed of the car was pushing him ever so slowly up the windshield, his legs stretched out holding on ever so tightly. I watched as little by little he began to slip away when finally he blew off the windshield. God I felt horrible for him. He must have been so scared. Would he live? I felt so bad because he was forced to let go.

I hate spiders.

My man and I did our homework assignment this morning - remember - three good things three bad things - and there was nothing overly revolutionary about our discussion except that he said that he feels like I'm holding back information. God he's good. I guess I’m not made out for the acting business.

Last night, the dudar and I met at the Downward Dog yoga studio to greet bastersnatch as he finished his bongo yoga session. I was originally going to go but backed out as it seems like it was going to be a hard class and I've never done it before. Turns out that was a good decision. I must say, as the Dudar and I were waiting outside smoking cigarettes, the boys started to come out of the studio and W-O-W they looked good. All fit and granola like. yummy. I had a flashback to evenings in Vancouver. One of them was obviously the drummer boy and he stopped to chat with us. Such a sweetheart...gurl - u can bang on my drum any time!

We went to dinner at some fab restaurant - I'll post the name later. We were there, terrorizing the restaurant from about 9:30 pm to midnight. At midnight JoeLuis joined us. JoeLuis and I are going though much the same shit with our partners, each of us in 11 year relationship.. I think his is way more fucked up than mine, which make me feel a bit more secure. (how rude was that?- but it's true) Anyway, we mad our way to Wett bar where right in front of me was my old ex Mr. Ball. I never hate people. I may dislike them, but not hate. I do HATE this man though. I'm going to write about him...I'm a Scorpio so I have still never gotten over the fuck-shit he pulled on me over 12 years ago. The bitch. That almost ruined mi night. Thank god his smarmy face was lost in the beauty of all the S&M boys standing around. Here's a toast to you Mr Man wearing #78… oh… and to the tall blond haired tight thug that was obviously interested in meeting me - He was fucking beautiful and it was obvious that he was wrangling his way into the circle of friends and acquaintances to strike up a conversation with me. I only WISH I was not in such a deep conversation with JoeLouis abut all of our fuckshit because I would have loved to meet you. Maybe another time? We left the bar @ 2:30 and made our way to IT. It was not fabulous and I was extremely let down. Maybe another night. I did take my shirt off and let my mullet (ha ha) drape down and was immediately accosted by some boys which was nice, but I was not interested at that point as I was so tired.

To top the night off, upon my return to my condo I realized that I had mistakenly taken my car keys and not the condo keys. Great - the security guard had locked up the front doors as he was ding his rounds so I could not get in. I had to wait for him to come back and let me in. I made my way upstairs and banged on the door to wake my man up to let me in. No answer. I called. No answer. Hummmm I thought....either the bitch is in a deep sleep (he does wear ear plugs) or he's out at the car bar. After about 10 minutes of knocking and calling I remembered that security had the key for our house keeper. I went down and got the key and made it in. My man was asleep in the bed...sound asleep.

Friday, September 05, 2003


On the way into work today the radio had on White Flag by DiDo. The lyrics made me cry in the car. here they are:
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I'm not putting up my white flag.


It has been so long since I've flown and it's driving me C-R-A-Z-Y.

The news is now reporting that terrorists might be planning on using Canadian aircraft for terrorist attacks. Yea - this makes me feel lovely.

I've had 2 weeks off from the airline and my next flight is Sunday night (848-849 - watch me across the Atlantic on flight tracker - just select Air Canada and then enter my flight number).

I'm very excited. "I'm leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again..."

This month, I'm going to work hostility class. I'm sick of the business bitches always pressing me for something. For Christ’s sake, get off my hoop skirt - you're stepping on the hem!!

Tonight, Bastersnatch, the dudar and I are going a new yoga class where you beat to bongo drums and sweat like pigs....then dinner, then drinks at Wett Bar and look at all the S&M (stand & model) boys as they look back at me...then flirt with as many as possible... and then I'm goin' to IT come hell or high water to burn off the angst and sexual fustration I will have built up at Wett bar.

And I'm not letting the squirrels tell me otherwise.

Thursday, September 04, 2003


I survived.

Here is how it unfolded….

5:00 pm my man and I went to meet Dr. Melfi for the first time. He works out of his home which at first I thought was a bit weird. When he opens the door I was astounded…he looks great and I’ve seen the boy out and about. This could be fun! We sit down on the couch and he proceeds to tell us the ground rules. No drugs, no disclosure of information - only if he thinks we may hurt someone (like the squirrels) etc etc..

While he is talking (at least 10 minutes eating up all my hard earned cash :) I notice a picture of him and a friend with the friend’s arm around him. My stars – it looks like Neil, an old friend that killed himself two years ago..the poor thing was so fucked up with depression….anyway…seeing this left me with a huge pit in my stomach….it obviously did not work for Neil (albeit for MANY different reasons) but was this his Dr.? How horrible. It did not leave me with a good feeling.

Our first exercise was to write down three reasons as to why we were there. After this we read them aloud. Here were my reasons:

1) to improve communication between us
2) to improve how I view myself
3) to improve our sex life.

OH MY GOD…you’d think that I tore off my mind tiara and stomped on it because #3 threw my man for a loop. He thought that I was just not interested in sex…now I did not say this (and I may on another appointment) but honey – I LOVE SEX…dirty Colin Farrell sex…I just find it boring with you and that may be why I’m distant. Hummmmm

We had to “Grade” our relationship, ourselves and each other on many questions asked by the Dr. We openly discussed our grades and remarkably we were very similar in almost every one. The Dr indicated that this is a sign of a strong relationship. Where were differed, and greatly, is on the question about how we view ourselves, externally of the relationship. Mine was high (big surprise) but his was low. And that was how I graded him. Interesting.

So the three of us chatted. It became evident that one of my huge faults was that I constantly assume that my man thinks certain things about me that he does not. Because I don’t communicate these feelings, I get a negative impression. Example: (here is where the squirrels pick up their pace)
I want to go out to a club with friends…I start to think this and then I immediately think that my man will not approve. I then start to feel guilty that I’m leaving him at home alone. I then begin to think that he thinks I’m up to no good. (which I have been in the past so HELLO!) and I begin to think that I have to hide the whole evening from him and not tell him anything . This leaves me feeling like I’m sneaking around and I don’t’ like it. All the while, he is thinking “great – go out , I’m gonna get to bed early and stretch out like a starfish on the bed and Sleep…go on…get out of my hair you are stressing me with this pissey look on your face”

Well. The doctor said that me forcing my imaginary feeling on him is a whole other session that we will get to.

He sent us home with homework. That’s right. It’s grade 9 all over again. Fuck – I knew I hated the first week of September and it was because of homework. So on Saturday morning we have to sit down and face each other. We each have to come up with 3 things that upset us recently and say them, alternating between each other. Then the same with things that the other did that we like. All the while, when one is talking the other is listening. There is no discussion until the end of the entire process. My man got sent home with his own homework. This upset him as he was jealous that I did not have any personal homework, however Dr. Melfi assured him that mine was on the way as we simply have to deal with me imposing my imaginary feelings.

At the end of the day, we walked out, happy, together, quiet and reflective. The Dr. did confirm that my man needs friends and needs to get out of the house, on his own to do something. This something was his homework.

I only hope his assignment is not late as it will affect how I grade.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003


I am pissed. Bastersnatch and another friend bought tickets to Bjork tonight. The friend had to cancel yesterday so I was offered the tickets free. God damn Dr. Melfi!!!!!! If it was not for this appointment tonight, I’d be able to go!

Addaboy had a very sad post yesterday regarding his weekend and the crap that went down. He mentioned later on in his post about his views on gay men cheating on their boyfriends. It hit home with me and a huge guilt wave went through me. Sometimes though, I wonder, with all the people that I’ve spoken with who say: ”To each his own, but I would NEVER fool around on the man that I love” this is easy to say, but is it easy in reality? I wonder if they have ever been in a relationship of any great length? To me, a three year relationship is long, but not long term. I don’t quite know where that grey line is for me that determines when a relationship is long term but I do strongly feel that 11 years is a long term relationship…..especially when you think that I was 22 when it started and only “out” for 2 years. Anyway, my point is that how do they KNOW that they would be faithful if they’ve never been there…and besides…every relationship is different so who knows. I feel a bit cheeted on my youth but maybe this is just my excuse…I’m sure Dr. Melfi will put all the squirrels running around in my head in a single file.

So my friend "TheDoor" is in Turkey on vacation with "Carol". These two are T-R-O-U-B-L-E (did I spell that right!?!) I just know that I’m gonna get a call from a jail cell and I’m gonna have to haul my ass over to the Canadian consulate to get them free… here is an excerpt from their latest trip update:

SUBJECT: Istanbul loved us....and we loved many!!!
k here is another update...

After getting kicked out of Istanbul,(we ended many relationships) we went on our way by car to Antalya.. It was only 700kms however it took us over 13hrs.. and this is why..

We are in the middle of butt fuck nowhere enjoying the dessert, when suddenly the car blows up... Imagine that you are about 3hrs from any type of town (village to our standards) and all you see is tumble weed, camels and a few dead animals... I swear to you we were like precilla queen of turkey!! So we go to a gas-prayer station and yes i mean prayer station!!! to get help, they have never seen white folk, we were freaking out, they were one or two people, all of a sudden out of caves or something they appeared and stared in amazement i think i shit my pants, I SWEAR they were the TALIBAN!! and i think we saw Osama. Anyhow the rest is a long story, but we ended up in Antalya. The drive was really quite beautiful, first dessert then mountains, like the swiss alpes, and yes it snows here. Its funny cause Istanbul is about 14million and they said Antalya is small but its about 4 million!! Antalya is about 300kms for syria and 500 from Iraq... oh i think i just heard a missel fly overhead.

Its so cheap here, dinner for two is about 10cdn

We are here for about 4 days then off to Olympos, where we will stay by the sea in a tree house for about 12us a night and it,s beautiful.. our hotel here is amazing, its incredible. it,s built on a cliff and it dates back to the ottoman time.. take a look at the website and click on photo gallery and you will get the idea of just how beautiful, and its 50 a night for a suite with taxes and breakfast.. very high end as well...

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

red wine

It brings out the best in me I swear. I drank too much of it on friday and my man and I had an all out chat in prep for our therapy session on Wednesday. I told him that we had better get our stories straight before we meet Dr. Melfi. He told me that was not the point – it was not the friggin’ Spanish inquisition – and he told me that I would probably be disappointed in the whole thing as it may take a few sessions. Shit lady – at 70 $$ a pop I want to walk out of that Dr’s office with all the squirrels running around in my head gone and a pimpin’ new B-friend on my left arm. Are my expectations too high? No, I just think that I prefer the cab-sav instead of the merlot.

Anyway.. we really did have a good chat and I think the squirrels have slowed to a walking pace right now. I told him that I wanted him to get some friends and we talked about how to do this.

Anyone got any ideas?

The cottage was fun. I got in fight with the neighbour about our bon fire. The wind changed an hour into it and he was getting all pissey about the soot from the burning leaves falling on his newly painted cottage. Whatever. I told him that his cottage need a sprinkle of fairy dust anyways. He did not like that and left. Good I say – back to my marshmallows.

My mother got a great new boat and we toured the lake on it a couple of times. I mostly sat on the doc and read my sissy magazines …my lifeline to the community that I’m so detached from…..